Raising Children - Part 2

I was recently talking to a friend about his son. The son has been an honor roll student for more than 2 yrs. This period his grades dropped to C`s and D`s. Dad had planned on really giving the kid the ‘what for’ to let him know he was not going to tolerate this. Dad was feeling really sad because he had to resort to chastising his son. He was deeply upset.

In the process of listening to him I came to understand the ego of the proud and loving parent which in this case was deeply wounded and angry for the son’s betrayal by such bringing disappointment.

I heard him describe his son as being, in his words, ‘good and non-problemic’ until this point. It made me realize my own failings in raising my children (easier to see someone else’s flaws). How often I had the same feelings and reacted on them.

It dawned on me, that if this child has been so ‘good’ for such a long time, than there must be an underlying cause for this behavior. That in fact, the stance of the parent should be one of a caring friend in order to get to the heart of the problem that the child might be having.

This is no more than we would do for a friend who we care deeply for; and don’t we care for our children more than we ever could a friend? Yet often we act as though our children are our property, or an extension of ourselves. When in reality, they are as individualistic as our friends are.

Often we do not give them the care, respect, concern and compassion that we would give a friend or a relation. We demand that they abide by our rules, do as we say, behave as we wish or suffer the consequences.

We scream, yell, threaten and punish, but seldom do we approach them from a place of logic and reason based on compassion. If it were a friend we would be quick to offer empathy, sympathy and compassion. We would go to any ends to find out what the problem was and do our best to help them resolve it. Are our children less deserving of such humanistic behavior? I think not. Yet often this is what we do, deny them our best because they are ‘our’ children, our ‘possessions’ to be treated as we wish; at times, thoughtlessly, without appreciation, without compassion.

Yet we haven’t the foggiest notion why our children are so ready to leave us and keep their distance as they come of age. We can’t think of a reason why they won’t confide in us or accept our advice. I think it is because we have not developed an understanding of the true meaning of ‘parenting’.

I think the failings of our children are a direct reflection of our parenting. This is not to say that we are bad parents; only that we have to develop a greater understanding of the meaning of the concept `to parent’.

Parent, in and of itself, is only an indication of linage. Perhaps we should use another word to indicate rearing, raising, training our offspring. A word more indicative of what we do. In essence we are caretakers and mentors.

I once somewhere read that children are wild animals whom it is our responsibility to civilize. But in times of stress or crisis, we are hardly ever civil to them.

It is my belief that children belong to life, that we are merely the bridge that brings them across into this world. That if we choose to keep them, be it out of love or feelings of responsibility, we than become their caretakers and mentors.

As caretakers we provide food, shelter, and clothing on the materialistic plane. As mentors, we integrate them into society by teaching them the customs, ethics and rituals of the particular society we live in. As caretakers of their emotional selves, we teach them the correct responses to the things they will encounter in life. As spiritual mentors we help them to develop a foundation of belief that will sustain them throughout their lives, helping them to develop the confidence to make the best choices and adhere to those choices until such a time when it is desirable for them to make different choices.

All of these things are necessary for children to become positive, productive, happy and well-adjusted members of the society in which they must live. If any of these things are missing, than the child will be lacking in some area.

We, as parents, caretakers and mentors, must therefore, develop our own lives and understanding of the role we play in our duties. And only in this way will we be better able to insure to a greater degree the results we wish to see from our efforts.

Of course this may seem a very simplistic view of a complex situation: Especially since I am not taking in the complexities of the nature, temperament or idiosyncrasies of individual children. However, in my experience I have learned that simple is usually better, more easily implemented and therefore, bring about the more desired result.

As we learn more about the roles we need to play in child rearing, the easier it is for us to understand what we need to do to be better at the role. Simply remembering how we ourselves were as children in relationship to our parents often sheds untold light upon how we handle our children. When we can remember how we felt, what we thought, how we behaved and why when we were children, we can better understand our children.

In doing so, we will find that we develop greater patience and tolerance for things that previously drove us crazy. We may actually find ourselves laughing at some of the exploits and antics of our children that previously drove us up a wall, as we remember ourselves in the same roles. We might actually think that some of those things might not be so bad after all. After all, we made it from childhood to adulthood, didn’t we?