On Love

It has been said that there are as many definitions for love as there are people. Mostly we learn what love is not after a disastrous love affair or another form of losing a loved one.

It's my opinion that most people don't have a clue what love really is. We focus on the effects of love, how a person acts or reacts when they love. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't have a clue either; yet I spend a great deal of time thinking about it.

Not so long ago, I came to the conclusion that love is simply love. There is no real definition for it. It is one of those elusive things that has no true dimensions in which to describe or measure it. Yet we know when we are loved. It shows in how we walk, talk, or act. The same holds true when we are giving love.

So how is it that we are we so easily deceived in love? Often we believe we are loved only to find out we are not. We feel loved and than somehow without our knowing or understanding why things change. Is that because we take love for granted or have expectations of it that cannot be met? Or perhaps, love is merely a set of chemical reactions that take place and when those reactions stop, than love no longer exists?

Or maybe we were never loved to start with, but only had the desire to be loved and therefore perceived the actions and words of the significant other to be love because we wanted it to be.

Love from parents, relatives or siblings is usually a given. Even when they don't act lovingly, we assume they do because of the life connection. Yet when it comes to the love of a mate that is a totally different world. For the most part we spend much of our time forming sentences that start, "If you love me, you'll..." And if we can't maniuplate that person into proving their love than we try another time old axiom, "But I thought you loved me!"

We find ourselves constantly looking for signs of their love. We are forever making demands of that love. We often challenge that love to prove itself. In the end, we believe it never was love at all.

As I have said, I believe love is simply love. What I mean by this is that love is a gift to the giver. When we feel love for someone, our hearts soar, the colors of the world seem brighter, the birds sing sweeter, everything seems as though we are viewing it for the first time. Love seems to be a catalyst for renewal, a rebirthing of the senses and psyche. Perhaps this is why most fall in and out of love over and over again. That need for rebirthing is the spirit of love which keeps us alive and seeing and seeking the beauty of our environment and all those in it. Love than proves to be a catalyst to keep life fresh and exuberant for us.

Think of a life without love, how sad it would be. We would constantly be seeking other means of exhilaration, other means of feeling the fulfillment that is so needed in life.

Perhaps this is why we feel so down when we think or believe that love has come to an end. We often become filled with the greatest sadness. We become despondent, depressed and hopeless to a degree. We swear that we will never go through this again. Yet, before we know it we are right back in love again. We feel as though we are catapulting to the stars and eventually to the earth, the cycle once again complete.

Many of us stay in the same cycle over and over. And few have a different experience of love at each renewal. Is this a matter of perception? Does our state of mind determine whom we love and how we love them? Is love a happenstance experience or one we determine at a different level of consciousness? Or perhaps it is predestined, in that we have known these people lifetime after lifetime. Could this be why we feel a special euphoria when we think we have discovered a soul mate?

I would say yes. Yes to all of the above, because after all, no one answer is the right one. I think that is the greatest truth of all; in love, loving and being loved there are no right answers or specific rules. Hence, the multitude of answers to the question, “What is love?"

In addition, I have discovered, it is not always possible to be with the one who loves us or whom we love. We have to determine if being with that person will create value in our lives.

For example, if one loved a married person, would it create value for either life to join in union of that love? Many would say no. Thoughts of sin, breaking of trust and the like comes readily to mind. Yet others would say to love and be loved is to be happy, one must pursue happiness, but what of the longevity of that happiness, and the love? Would one betrayal bring about the cause of additional betrayals in the long run? Is the happiness only a temporary one? One based on illusion and desire, only to die a swift death in reality? Of course these decisions have to be made by the individuals involved.

I am not condoning cheating or unsavory practices. Again, I emphasis, these choices are made by the individuals involved. It is not my role to judge or determine what is good for the individual. There are too many variables involved to make an off-handed judgment regarding someone else's life in these decisions. Only those involved know what those variables are and should be willing to look at every aspect of the reality, if possible, objectively.

I had an experience in which a married man and I fell passionately in love. I had no doubt he was my soul mate. I initially tried avoiding getting involved with this man from a romantic aspect and than found myself succumbing to his attentions. Seven years and two babies later, he decided to leave his wife for me and eventually married me. This man was both the best and worse thing that ever happened in my life. I must say, that if he had not been the man he was, I would not be the woman I am. The relationship was sensational until he died.

However, prior to his death, we brought about many negative experiences between us and were divorced. Yet, through all of it, we stayed friends, until he died. It was the most phenomenal experience! And yes, I would do it again!

Strangely, 30 years later, I found my soul mate once again in a married man. Yes, we loved each other passionately. Yet this time, the scenario was totally different. We are not lovers. He is not leaving his wife. And I am not the other woman, simply because the variables are different. For one, I don't want to be 'the other woman' nor do I have that earlier youthful belief that "love conquers all." I am much more selfish now than I was more than 30 years ago. I do not want clandestine meetings. I do not want to sit around hotels waiting and hoping for him to show up. I do not want the love we have for each other to become some ugly, sordid thing because of our actions.

This neither means we don't love or desire each other, nor that if things were different we would not be together. The fact is my appreciation of loving, being loved and love has grown, as has my perception of what I believe to be the truth of love.

As an egocentric child, I had to have the object of my love in order to be happy. As an adult, I understand that I don't have to have the object of my love in order to be happy and fulfilled. I understand love to be a most marvelous, miraculous and precious gift and I don't have to change the beauty of it's essence by attaching my warped perceptions of what love is to it.

Love is not about possession. It is not about proving anything. It is not about him or me. It is not about adding or taking away anything based on personal beliefs or perceptions. Love is simply love.

(art by diego manuel at www.diegomanuel.com.ar)